Dreaming into Memory

You know what?

A recurring dream can no longer be considered as a dream when you woke up unable to differentiate whether not this particular thing which has bothered you for so long has decided to make an appearance the other night, or was it just your head imagining and reimagining-- or rather; hoping, that these scenarios would just happen even in deep sleep.

Your fucked up head might think that it would be a good idea if she’d just appeared before you while you roam other realities, then it’ll make you happy. Your head thinks that it would be just enough for you to meet her by ‘not meeting her’, just enough for you to have something to hold dear, so you can make it through the day.

But that’s the thing, I can’t.

I’ve dreamt of you saying that I should be persistent; I’ve dreamt witnessing you crying your heart out; I’ve dreamt of you holding my hands for hours; I’ve dreamt of walking beside you; I’ve dreamt of you agreeing for a first date with me; I’ve dreamt going on a road trip with you; I’ve dreamt of waking up beside you; I’ve dreamt of you appearing and dis-appearing.

As well as other countless fucked up scenarios that I’ll not put into words, and the ones that my head could not FUCKING remember nor differentiate whether if it’s an ‘imaginary' scenario, or a genuine dream.

Of all people, why is it have to be you?

It has been several months since I’ve written all of the blobbering nonsense above. The dreams have left me, perhaps permanently, and I’ve come to miss them.

And I’ve certainly missed you.

But lately, my thoughts have bested me.

Its a shame that dreams are like memories for fishes. Imagine if people can simply plug in a USB stick into their heads after waking up, everyone would have their own Netflix series to enjoy, no need for “Netflix and Chill"; their dreams would be just satisfying enough.

But I believe that some dreams are more than just bits of your head recycled.

I swear that if multiple realities existed and dreams were snippets of them, ‘the ideal one’ would be just next door to mine, and I just have to live with that belief. That everything which has happened, were small bread crumbs hinting the existence of this ‘ideal reality’.

Somewhere.

To this date, me and my fucked up head is somewhat still hoping that some particular scenarios that I’ve dreamt would present itself in this reality. Like several others, some usually came: In time.

And I hope this one does too.

I know, I’ve been all over the place; as you can see in my writing above, it’s fucked up. Perhaps they best describe my situation

I’ve thanked the universe more than enough that I’ve gotten the chance to experience you. You are more than beautiful; similar to how humans have described the universe, we no longer describe it as beautiful because we’ve already known deep down that it is. Perhaps one day I’ll come up with the perfect word(s) to describe you without leaving any of your mysteries untouched. As do humans will in time unravel the mysteries of The Universe. But for now, it remains abstract: I’m too human to put ‘the perfect you’, into words.

I am indeed powerless.

I wish someone out there has the damn nerve and ability to wholeheartedly make you feel more than beautiful.

But for now, its not me; not in this lifetime.

I wish you well.